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flat chest

Flat is Fabulous!

Ever since I can remember, I have been teased for having a small chest.  It never really made sense to me- why would anyone make fun of someone who didn’t have massive mammary glands? But they do.  Stupid boys, stupid boyfriends, friends, family members… they have all picked on me at one time or another for not being endowed. My favorite is when someone says “At least you have a nice butt”- why does there have to be a qualifier? Why does “at least” have to be involved?  Oh, and how many times have I been told since puberty that I would be “so hot” if I had boobs? Way more than I would like to admit.  So, yeah, enter major body insecurities (especially as most of my friends were rocking serious racks).  Thankfully, over the years I learned to enjoy what God gave me (or in my case, what he forgot to give me) because to be honest… having a small chest is actually pretty damn awesome.

Here’s just a few reasons why being flat is fab:

  • No Boob Sweat: Apparantly boobs can sweat? I wouldn’t know. And I’m totally ok with not experiencing that phenomenon.
  • No Bouncing: I’m super athletic, so to be able to run, jump, ride horses, do a cartwheel or whatever else I feel like doing without interference is pretty damn glorious. Be jealous.
  • No Sagging… or at Least Not That Much: Thanks to the law of gravity, the less you have the less they will fall.  I think that’s how it goes. Anyway, I’m 39 and my “Baby B’s” are where I left them at 19. Even after having a baby. So, there’s that.
  • Noone Ever Stares at My Chest: Women always complain about men ogling their chest and never looking them in the eye. Well, I don’t have that problem as there is no chest to stare at. Talk about problem elimination!
  • Clothes Always Fit: No mysteries here- if it’s my size, it’s going to fit. Makes online shopping super easy. Also, I can wear low cut and tight tops without looking slutty. WIN!
  • They Repel Loser Guys: Plenty of guys have not wanted to date me on account of my small chest, which is a major bullet dodged. A small chest is a major asshole repellent.
  • No Wardrobe Malfunctions: Or if I did have one, noone would notice. So, I’ve got that going for me.
  • I Can Buy Cheap Bras: My busty friends have to drop major coin on bras. I can buy the $12 bras at Target and they always fit. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I bought a bra, or wore one for that matter.  I live in sports bras or none at all.
  • Speaking of Sports Bras: Not having boobs means more room to stick stuff in your sports bra, like keys, phone, chapstick, Quest bar… it’s like an extra purse that I can’t misplace.
  • No Guessing Games: You know the one “Are they real or fake?” No mysteries here. Noone would buy them in my minimal size.
  • They’re Extra Sensitive: Here’s some science for you- less tissue means the nerves aren’t as stretched meaning sexy time is way more fun.  So hate on small boobs all you want- they’re WAY more fun for me.
  • Things Never Get Lost in My Cleavage: Because I have no cleavage.  But if I did, I’m pretty sure I’d lose something in it, or at least get mashed potatos in there or something. Or I would do something really dumb like stick a glass of wine in there and injure myself. Either way, the good Lord knew what he was doing by denying me a cleavage. Too dangerous.
  • They’re Easy to Clean: I figure large breasts would be hard to clean, right?  You have to lift them up and stuff…get all the gunk out from underneath. Or at least I hope you would… anyway, that’s a non-issue with me. Small breasts are very low-maintenance, so that’s one less thing to worry about.
  • Bikini Shopping is Easy: Again, the tops always fit. I can buy $14 bikinis on Amazon because proper support is a non-issue.
  • Small Chests are Hot: Look at Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Kiera Knightly, Cameron Diaz, Kate Middleton… they’re all STUNNING and have minimal mammaries. Those are just the first that came to my mind. Anyway, you don’t need big jugs to be a babe. I don’t know why that’s even up for debate.

Those are just a few reasons off the top of my head why not having a large chest is awesome.

Now, I’m not knocking my busty friends at all. To be honest, most of my friends have big breasts-either real or fake- and they’re fabulous.  But it’s time someone gave the tiny tatas some love too. So here I am.

There’s nothing wrong with loving what God gave you- or didn’t give you.

Love yourself, and own what you got (or don’t!), and to hell with everyone else.

But seriously, not having boob sweat IS pretty awesome…